They come and they go. I hate the old ghosts. I can't ever be totally rid of them. As I have said before, I think I'm not supposed to be rid of them. I think, instead of seeing them as something that I should fight and then waste my time battling something permanent, I should acknowledge them and figure out how to do something productive with them.
We have moved back to be with the kids now. We've been back just over a month. It has been an absolute roller coaster. The logistics of moving across the country are bad enough, but apparently this time of year in this area presents its own kind of nightmare. It has left all involved in a state of exhaustion. Now we are just acclamating to all the new that is around us.
I can't say that I've been very proactive with my healing over the last month. My brain has been working so hard just to keep everything straight. That would normally be hard enough as it is with all the changes, but I also found out some more information regarding my health - I'm currently sharing it.
Yep. Pregnant.
I am so grateful to finally be growing this little life, but the timing probably could not have been worse. It makes me feel so guilty to even say that. I have so many friends that struggle with fertility that I very quickly recognize that I should be celebrating every beat of the heart of this little person, but I also feel torn. I did want to come back and give attention to my three little "already here" ones and to the new job I had planned that I would acquire. While the inhibitions are minimal and certainly not crippling, it leaves my heart asking yet another "Why?".
That sounds so terrible to me. My husband and I started trying to get pregnant months ago. We talked through all our options and how to plan and we had even agreed that, if we didn't conceive by March, we would wait until next calendar year. We did not conceive by March, and then the next two months brought a lot of really painful, hospital trip inducing pain that left me feeling a little certain that we actually may have to abandon the idea of getting pregnant altogether....well, gosh I was wrong. I think I got pregnant like 4 days before we made our cross-country trek.
Here's the funny thing. This is baby number 4 for this uterus and body, so morning sickness started two days after I found out the now grape-sized baby was cooking, and my belly IMMEDIATELY began to make room for its new occupant. ..awesome. So the whole idea of waiting to tell my new employer so she wouldn't worry about me not being able to handle things or even the awful experience of being treated like I was fragile (I am a princess. We know this, but something that my life has revealed is, fragile I AM NOT!) At about week 5, I told her I was going to sit at the restaurant where my husband works and relax and wait for him to get off, and she told me I should sit and have a beer. I had almost an out of body experience while I just felt the words vomit out of my mouth before I could stop them "Uh...actually I'm not drinking right now", and then I just stood there with an expression on my face that was so awkward, it still makes me hurt. She immediately guessed why, because DUH! The belly was a giveaway. One of my coworkers had even already noticed it. My ploy of loading up the pocket of my smock with bulky items did nothing to obscure the fact that there was a belly behind all the crap.
So also with pregnancy comes the emotional roller coaster and the fatigue. The fatigue I try to combat in my own ways, but the emotions. My poor husband. On one of the nights that I was leaving my job to go wait for him to finish his, I asked him to put in an order for me for the tuna melt (made by their chef - Oh my gosh. So delicious). He regretfully told me that they had run out of tuna. I literally blinked away tears while I drove. I straight up cried.
And there's also the being back in this place. At no point has being in this place been a positive experience for me. I have lived in 7 different states and moved more times than I care to count, and never have I lived in a place that represented so much terrible pain and utter failure. I have literally lost everything in my life TWICE in the 3 1/2 years that I've lived here. I don't like it here. It's hard for me to be here and feel the nearly tangible oppression that I have felt since my arrival.
And there is the reintegration with my 3 munchkins. Life has presented new challenges with them individually and collectively. I spend a lot of my day trying to figure out just how to tackle each problem. My heart has weighed a million pounds nearly every day since I've been here. More on that at a different time.
So my hiatus in Norman was so incredibly painful but helpful. It was my opportunity to come up for air, but upon my return I could feel the struggle of the waves I see now every day push against every muscle in my soul. This resuming of the "swim" has indeed brought back some old ghosts. Some I have fought well, and some have caught me off guard and left me crying and confused.
I apologize that there is not much of my usual presentation of a challenge followed by a solid confidence in a resolution. At this moment, I'm not sure of the resolution. I'm not sure of my next opportunity to come up for air. Right now, I'm just concentrating on surviving.
