This summer has been an absolute whirlwind. My head is spinning still as we spend up the rest of summer's days. I think I had an idea in my mind on what it would be like when I got back here, and every experience completely defied all my preconceived notions. There were things for which I felt sure I would be totally prepared that have knocked me on my back side. It has all left me feeling quite lost and very confused about how I'm supposed to proceed.
The biggest surprise this summer was, indeed, the baby! My husband and I had discussed for a while the idea and the planning necessary for bringing another baby into our family. We had made plans to try starting the beginning of the year, but, knowing about our impending move, to take a year long break from trying if we were not successful by March. In March I began to have terrible and familiar pains, so off to the hospital we went. After having these pains for a year and a half, I was diagnosed with ovarian cysts (pain level: think kidney stones). There were some in both ovaries. It seemed like our fate was sort of sealed - at least temporarily. I had never had them in my life until the couple years, so I began to research articles and ask a lot of friends about how this could affect my health. Bottom line - infertility was a GIANT likelihood.
We began the dialogue about not adding any more children to our family and just loving the three that we have, but it seemed pretty safe to bet that babies any time soon were NOT going to be a possibility. We resigned ourselves to the fact that we would need to wait that year and get life settled. Getting pregnant after March would mean a bit of a logistical nightmare, after all.
One night I began to have the same terrible pain, but there was another sensation added. The only way I can describe it is being electrocuted from my hips all the way to my knees. The cyst had burst (it was as fun as it sounds...ask anyone who has had one). It was about 20 minutes of the most cruel and unusual punishment my body had every dealt me. I was starting to get really exhausted by having constant physical pain...every...single...day.
Well guess what happened. 3 weeks later, I peed on the stick and saw two lines. I was SHOCKED! Also immediately terrified. My pregnancies tend to be very impeding and extremely uncomfortable, and I had a LOT to do!!!! BODY!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???
Very soon after, I had my first ER visit this pregnancy (I dehydrate SO easily, so I often have to get help for rehydration). During that visit's ultrasound, the tech rattled off everything she was seeing, but something she said caught my immediate attention. She mentioned the ovary from which the egg had been released. It was from the same ovary that had the bigger cyst in it - the one that had so furiously ruptured and ripped through my nether regions...4 days before that tiny little egg needed to make its way on its journey. 4...days. If that cyst had remained or ruptured 4 days later, who knows what would have been the fate of the egg?
I'm just going to tell you. Being pregnant right now has been so, so, so difficult, but if any kid was supposed to exist, I have to argue that this little bean is. I don't know what the story for her life will be (yes. it's a girl) but it's going to be a ride if her start is any indicator. Do you know anything about ovarian cysts? Do you understand how high against me the odds should have been stacked? I had just days of remote health after having these vicious things for over a year! I was misdiagnosed at another hospital when I first began to have these pains, so they went untreated an unmonitored for how every many months I had them. The possibility of damage is another likelihood with this kind of thing, I've heard. The orchestra of events that needed to play in order for this baby to happen is an intricate one. It is music indeed. I am still confused and still terrified (sidenote: it doesn't matter how many children you have. It's still terrifying every time) but grateful.
So in January, Audrey Hazel Cheon is going to show the world what her face looks like.
The rest of my challenges mentioned in other posts still exist. Some of them have grown. Some have arrived - new ones (I know. I'm shaking my head about it, but roll with the punches, right?) I'm trying to reenter the world of being healthy of mind and heart. Though I never really left because the lessons of healing from earlier this year are seared into my soul, I don't want to stagnate. It's hard, though, folks. It's work to grow, and if something is zapping your spiritual or physical energy, you may not feel like it. Choose it. Choose with me to grow in spite of being exhausted.
I apologize that I have done so poorly with making additions to this blog, but I'm still hoping to do better. Thank you again for every minute you've spent reading all my disjointed thoughts.
Adieu, friends.
