Well I have not been disciplined about writing on the blog this summer and fall. I have indeed had a bit of a mental block against it, but I have felt weight bearing down on my soul now for too many weeks in a row. It's time. I need to clear some space up there. I gotta think some of this through.
As of late the thing that is causing me the greatest amount of frustration is feeling like I am living under scrutiny - like a fish in a bowl. I do not mean to say that I am prominent enough in any sect of society to draw attention or interest from a very large group of people. I am referring to that feeling that we ALL encounter - that someone - anyone is picking apart parts of your life. It's so unsettling.
I have moved a bazillion times. I have loves literally all over the world. I use Facebook specifically as a way to keep in touch with everyone and also share with them trials and struggles as well as blessings and doses of happiness that come into my life. Without Facebook, I would not have the ability to do that. I live in a place around zero family, so this is vital for me - someone who is incredibly emotionally close with my family and close friends who are family except for genetics. I am also part of Facebook groups for my children's activities. That is the only update, in some cases, that I get for their goings on. I mean, let's be real. It's almost 2016. Snail mail and paper copies are just not something people use as much with paper costs, printing costs and postage.
I use social media as a necessity. First world problems - yeah, but guess what. That's where I live. If I lived in a different place, then those cultural norms would dictate my life.
So we've established the things I like about social media - quick access to family and other loved ones and to the things my kids have going on. It's so nice for me when someone takes time out of their life to send me a private message to tell me that they love me. That goes a million miles for me to know that there are people who are willing to read through some of my more cryptic statuses and choose to love my heart and understand what I mean but am not at liberty to say.
Here's what I don't like: Remember how I've referred before to those that "wait like a devil in the dark"? I've got a few of those. I know they're there, and I even know who some of them are, but there are some whose identities I don't know. I also have a problem with the "there are two sides to every story" people. THOSE are the people I would love to sell ANYthing to. God forbid they accuse someone of being dishonest (on one side of the coin) or be "forward" enough to ask for real answers. I am not referring to people that I'm only casual friends with. I'm talking about those people that have known me for years and years and just choose to stay (and I DESPISE this word) "neutral" so they don't have to sacrifice their own comfort or get their hands dirty.
The reason THIS person seems to me to be the most nefarious or at least damaging is because they ALSO usually seem to be the ones that it gets back to me have criticized me. THESE are the people that are the most hurtful to me. These are the first people about whom I think "But you weren't even THERE for the thing about which you are speaking. How dare you speak with authority about something you did not witness while at the same time claiming that you don't have a dog in the fight?". These people hurt me the most.
I have felt SO many times lately "Okay, so if I share struggles that are going on in my life and get even remotely specific, then I get accused of being petty or ungrateful (and yes. Lately I have had someone say that to my face) If I share happy things that I are going on, then I have fear that people will accuse me of being disingenuous instead of them understanding that I refuse to ignore the fact that my life does and always will contain beauty that I want to celebrate even in the midst of the ugliest storm". And it's basically all because of the people about whom I am unsure of their loyalty. It's so hurtful. I never have to worry about the people that I "keep close" because it's easier even though I do not trust them at all. I already know what to do with them. It's because of the people that leave me unsure.
But Sarah, that is true for everyone at every point in life. You're always going to have people that do that everywhere you go. YES!!!! If you were thinking that thought, then you hit today's sentiment spot on. My difficulty is this. I am not perfect, but there is a Pollyanna-esque part of my soul that always wants to look on the bright side - to believe that everyone I encounter will do the same amount of research I do to get hard and fast truth before even conversing with someone about something that has happened. I guess that's virtuous because everyone does always deserve their own chance. There is a vicious side too, though. That's the abuse survivor part of myself that sticks my head in the sand so I don't have to face the ugly truth that there are TRULY ugly, selfish people in the world who want to do just enough to appease their own consciences or have something interesting to talk about because they keep their own worlds so small. There is the part of my heart that knows what it's like to allow that kind of behavior in someone JUST BECAUSE they act nicely towards you part of the time. I want so much to believe that people will be careful with my heart...but they aren't.
I also don't want to be so closed off that my heart does not give love to other hearts that need hugs and love. If I choose to ONLY protect myself and my own, I will create an effective buffer, but I will also create terrible limitations on what I'm able to do and receive.
BALANCE. IS. HARD.
It's a scary world, you guys because you know what? We are never going to have a way to totally and completely effectively protect ourselves from being used by others. That is something that I have definitely learned the hard, heartbreaking way. There is not a way to go to each of my Facebook friends and ask "Um, do you really honestly love me? Do you protect my heart when you speak of me and the things in my life or do you use me for something selfish or incomplete?" First of all, that is weird and very desperate. It's also not going to work. I wouldn't get honest answers. So I am left with the same thing with which I started, right?
Yes, except I haven't acknowledged yet in this post what all I have in my arsenal and what you also have in yours. I have truth. I know the truth. I know what I have lived first hand, and I know who did or did not witness it. I also know my own shortcomings and the areas where I have grown leaps and bounds - especially in the last 11 months. Those are things that no one can take away from me. If I forget that because someone gossips about me or acts a little fishy, that is my fault - not theirs.
Truth is so powerful, guys. On the days that the legs of my soul feel the most wobbly, it is because I have brushed past the shoulder of truth because I have ignored its silent presence for the sake of lies that are just so loud. (Isn't it funny to think about the fact that truth is most often a "silent" presence in our lives? We almost have to LOOK for it more often than we LISTEN for it)
So this has been my frustration for a WHILE. This is another one that was mostly another reminder for me. If you glean something from it that helps, I am forever grateful for your attention and that maybe this can help.
Meanwhile, what do you say about the next post being about how awesome true friends have been to me and what I did recently when I realized I'd mistakenly thrown one away?
I love you guys.
