Today I am 35 weeks and 2 days pregnant. The last time I was this many weeks pregnant was almost 4 years ago exactly. My two baby girls' birthdays will be roughly 2 weeks apart. I posted a picture to my social media of my belly last night. I have done a few more of those this pregnancy than I did when I was pregnant with Sally, but I do have some from Sally's time in utero to reference. The last of these is from the 38 weeks and 2 days mark (so many numbers, yeah?) and, though I am not there quite yet, I looked at the picture for comparison...and then I saw the girl and I just thought "Here is me in an nearly identical state in life but as two very, very different versions of myself...wow I am so different. If I could go back and tell 'that' girl some things, what on earth would I say?"
I have spoken before about my experiences on sort of "channeling" other versions of myself in order to provide healing or even rescue for the previous versions of who I am as a human - a being physical and spiritual. Tonight the thought crossed my mind that the "girl" from 4 years ago might need a bit of a pep talk because it wasn't too long after that picture was taken that life got real, real hairy. In fact, let's be fair - life became an utter nightmare that would prove to last an indefinite period of time, and she had zero equipment for what was about to come barrelling towards her face. So if I could go back and have a sit down with her, what would be our checklist?
What would I want "me" to know?
1. Your life is going to change absolutely entirely. Not a shred of the life you built for years and years will be left. There is a storm coming with a force so huge that the structure of work that you have built is going to be completely annihilated. It's all going to be gone. I'm so sorry, but it's all going to be gone.
2. Your self doubt is going to remain but its going to morph into something that is more virtuous - more productive. Life is going to happen in such a way that you will not have the luxury of insecurity. You, like many others that have come before you, are going to have to do things that, if I shared their specifics with you right now, you would believe to be impossible. They're not. You're going to actually pull off some of the craziest, most improbable things, and you won't be thinking about it while you're in the thick of the experience, but just get ready to act on some instincts that you didn't know you had and then turn around afterwards and just be like "Whoa......" with some big half dollar sized eyes.
There is currently a part of yourself that doesn't feel strong enough to fight. Get ready for that part to totally die because the part of you that knows you MUST fight is about to be awakened, and when that happens, there won't be anything anyone can do to quiet it. The only thing that will win will be victory. Necessity will drive a lot of this, but it will be ever present.
3. You are going to be so brutally beaten by life in the coming months. I'm sorry for the pain you're about to feel. It will actually be in addition to the decimation of your dreams - not just part of it. The depth of hellish pain that you're about to know is something that I don't have a way to describe. It's really going to be something bad...but there's some healing coming. Some of the pain that you're going to feel is like the stretching of grafted skin. There is nothing to which we can compare that type of pain, but what is left is going to leave you WAY better equipped than what you would have been before...with what you have now. It's all going to get peeled off and discarded in the bio hazard of life. You will be given a NEW skin that is thicker and stronger and better.
4. There will be surprises. Your life will end up including things that right now you are thinking are things that are "just not my lot in life". Screw the butterfly effect, I'm going to tell you that you're going to get to know the love of a partner complete with adoration and exclusive respect. You will know what it feels like to be endlessly beautiful to someone even on days that you can't find that beauty anywhere in yourself, but he will see it and he will see it in you alone. You will regain the permission to reveal the goofy part of yourself, and you will be celebrated. That part is going to feel so nice, because the goofy part of you is a really big part.
5. You will not get some things figured out at all. There will be some things that remain a mystery. There will be parts of your heart that heal really, really well, but there will be so many things that will continue to frustrate you. Healing takes so, so, so much time. Give yourself that time. You will begin to feel stronger and stronger. Soak up the enjoyment of all that healing and let it carry you on the days that you feel confused.
6. You're going to recognize yourself again. I see the saddened look in your eyes right now. I know exactly how absorbed you are by the things happening around you and the nefarious intent of ones that don't value you. I'm telling you that you are getting ready to become reacquainted with the rescue provided by the Truth. The Truth is honestly about to set you free. Things and people in life are going to try SO HARD to make you feel like you are still bound by their lies and hatefulness and accusations, but the Truth knows and it is going to yank you right out of those lies. Don't be afraid to reach out for it any time the lies and liars start to catch up to you. Truth will win every single time. Let Truth fight the battle for you.
7. You're not alone. Never forget that. You were never alone.
That's what I would tell "her"...if I could go back to that day the picture was taken.
