When I lived with Dan in Norman, there was this house we always passed that was a complete flip. To be honest, I really still feel significant confusion over why they didnt just tear it down or torch it - that's how completely stripped away it was. Here's the thing, though - it had really strong framework. There were beams for support and sections of good "guts". Over the months of my time living there, the contractors made some really amazing progress but there were days and some weeks that the construction came to a halt. If there were storms that were intense enough, they had to pause the rebuild because continuing during these period could risk damage to all the work they put in.They had to wait for the storms to end. I'm positive these storms left them feeling frustated - wanting just to continue so they could have the house in a condition that made it what it was always meant to be. But it had to just sit there up on stilts and cinder blocks until they could be sure that the elements didn't just destroy everything or even cause them harm.
I'm like that house. Ugh. Trust me. I was totally stripped out. I had nothing to offer anyone for a time. Those were my "dark days". I was definitely just very bare bones framework for a while. I was definitely in a state where those with experience and a heart to help me to become what I was meant to be came alongside me and acted as the cinder blocks and stilts. They stood with their feet squished down into the muck of my hurts and stood in the place where my new, better foundation was going to be poured.
As time went on, progress WAS made in the way I was constructed. Rot was aggressively removed and the good framework was reinforced. Gradually more elements were restored to the complete version I was becoming, but then storms came.
I don't know why I never connected this until tonight.
I have worked really hard on this Sarah rebuild. I have gone to an Architect with plans that couldn't be rivaled. These plans are the best - they are literally perfect, but the storms. As strong and pleasing as this plan is, there is just the inevitibility of storms. I haven't always been as smart as those builders. I'm the oblivious hammer swinger that didn't put up my tools and cover my vulnerable parts to protect them while the storms raged around me. I am the one who insisted that "Eh, this isn't something I should even care about. It's not THAT bad" until I watched some of my progress get marred or ruined or at least compromised - so guess what happened? I lost some of the progress I had made. Instead of realizing my priority during the storm was to protect my work and my safety, I left it out in the rain and snow and blistering heat. And I haven't even begun to address the issue of delinquent vandals.
Have you ever passed by one of these reconstructions and seen a spray painted image or ugly word artlessly scrawled across what is being made into something wonderful just so some idiot could leave their mark? Isn't there always the same list of questions that plays through your brain? "What idiot would do that?!" "How is someone so insecure that they take cheapest, most classless medium possible just to try to get attention or cause ruin to something so hopeful that someone was working on?" Also this one "Oh man....why couldn't the owners of this rebuild do something to protect all the work they're doing?"
Your brain also answers the questions too. The truth of life is that there are always people that are selfish or purposeless in their own lives that all they have is to try to ruin what someone else is doing. It is also true that, no matter how hard you try, sometimes its just a thing that these vandals will go to whatever lengths they see available to leave a mark of ugliness. There are also storms that, no matter what, will compromise even the best efforts at preservation.
So does the owner stand out front and yell reciprocations of trash? Does the owner continue to swing their hammer or sweep across the flooring if rain is coming down in buckets? Would the builder be productive focusing on how long or how torrential the rain is? No. Those would be stupid, fruitless behaviors.
Storms amd vandals happen. The truth is that sometimes these things do impede your progress. You can't protect against absolutely everything, and you look nothing but pathetic or crazy if you pretend they're not happening. I feel a sad kind of disappointed that I've spent this many years in a row feeling confused that my progress didn't continue or that vandals were able to leave their marks in my life.
Why did I not realize that storms are not a thing you can fight off? Why did I ever have the expectation for myself that I should see no break in progress during these storms? Why did I ever spend all that time out in the middle of this letting my soul get soaked to the bone? Why did my eye only ever see the progress I didn't make after all of this had passed its way over the "home" I'm making?
Oh self, what did you expect to have? Perfect? Did you expect to be perfect now? Why would you take blame for a storm you didn't want and couldn't have caused?
Its like, so simple. These things happen. Why did I expect to operate as if they never had? It seems so silly now to think of how I missed all of this simple idea that rebuilds just dont happen the same if a storm is happening or that there WILL be a mark left if someone is really insistent on leaving one.
So while I will not wallow in the grief of losing the progress I had made, I will realize that storms change your schedule. I will not take blame for things outside my control, but I will tell you this, as soon as the storm is done, I'm going to get right back up there and keep replacing and reinforcing and building new and finishing. I will keep away from the vandals, and once they're far enough away, I will scrub off all their graffiti. Because one day I will be able to say I am finished with my rebuild. My life is, in fact, now a safe place to stay after the sun goes down, and I've placed measures of safety around my perimeter so that the face of each brick or plank of wood is allowed to be nothing but strong and lovely.
I will work as efficiently as I am able to make all of this life into a place where I can shelter my heart but also others'. I will push every time the sun shines to finish off every floor and stair step and door frame so my life is a place where people make memories they cherish. I will do all of this so those that come after me can furrow their brows in a focused gaze or widen their eyes at what the carving experiences did to the woodwork of each baseboard. I want to build something so people feel at home by what I've left behind.
Funny thing about architects: they give you detailed plans for how things should be built, but never a single time did an honest one ever claim that it was never going to rain.
