First of all, part 2 for "The Wounds of My Heart" will come at a different time. Tonight, I must share what is on my heart and mind.
I am in such a strange state right now. My heart is heavy with the very real prospect of a loss greater than any I could have imagined. This trial is something that is never out of my mind. I am exhausted. I am sad. I am confused. The time will come when I will share all the little details of what this trial in my life actually means, but, for now, I will express less specific thoughts.
Uck. I have started this post 3 different times. This is another hard one to write.
If I were a professional wisher, I would wish away all the stress that presently weighs on me. But I am not a professional wisher. Those don't exist, so tonight, I came to terms with some of these difficulties. This is a little bit of how my conversation went with God:
Me: GOD! PLEASE! Please answer my prayer the way I want it answered. This is too hard for me. I cannot bear this!
God: Delight yourself in Me, and I will give you the desires of your heart
Me: Am I not delighting in you?
God: no answer
Me: Please God. I am so sad! This hurt is too great! I was mistreated! I was stolen from! What has happened is not right!
God: Yes. I know. I will never leave you or forsake you.
Me: God! This is too heavy! This is too hard! I don't want this to be my story!
God: I am still showing you what your story is. Do you remember when you had nothing?
Me: Yes. It was terrible
God: What did you do about it?
Me: I went to you. I had no one else....but God, PLEASE! Please grant my request!
God: Look around you right now. Look into the eye of your memory. What do you see?
Me: I see Your faithfulness
God: What else do you see?
Me: I see your provision
God: Do you believe Me when I promise something to you?
Me: Sometimes
God: Why do you doubt me?
Me: Because I am afraid. I don't want any more pain. I don't want any more difficulty or heartache.
God: I know about injustice and heartache. Come to me little child. Come again into the arms of My comfort.
Me: But what will I do if this atrocity continues?
God: I will show you what steps to take. Do you remember how much you have grown? Do you remember how many times you have had the opportunity to share the story of My great love for people because of all this?
Me: Yes....BUT I'M SCARED! I want things to just fall into place the way I have it in my head!
God: Do you remember how you've grown? Do you remember how I was faithful to you - how I always stayed with you just like I promised?
Me: yes......I do
God: My Son did not want the heartbreaks of His life either.......but He loves you, so He embraced them
Me: I remember
God: Do you think you would still see me as closely or clearly if I worked everything out just how you want?
Me: No. I really don't. I just don't want to be sad
God: I heal the brokenness. I restore what has been robbed away
Me: Yes. I remember.
God: Do you trust me that I will direct every one of your steps?
Me: I do. I have to. You have been faithful to show me for always.
God: Do you remember that I can heal brokenness and restore what is missing out of your heart?
Me: Yes.
God: Give them to me. I love them more than you do. I am writing their stories too.
Me: Will you show me how to help them no matter what?
God: Yes
Me: Will you give me grace to go through all of this?
God: Yes. And I will give you strength. Do you want to have things in your life be so that you don't see me as clearly?
Me: No. I don't. I just don't want this pain anymore.
God: Give the pain to me. Give me the weight of your worry. My burden for you is light. The amount that you will have to carry will be light. You just have to give it to me.
Me: I don't want to!!!!!
God: My burden for you is light. My shoulders are stronger. My heart loves you. I cherish you and them.
Me: I know. I can see your hand in every little thing in my life.
God: Will you give me the burden to carry? I love you.
Me: Yes. Will you show me what steps to take?
God: Of course.
Me: This road isn't veering off to the side any time soon, is it?
God: No. It is not, but though it is treacherous and painful, I will be right there with you. I will never leave you or forsake you, and I have a plan for your life that will show others how much I love all of you.
Me: Okay........I place this at your feet. Show me what steps to take, and give me strength and grace for the way. I am still hurting so bad, but I know you feel what my heart feels.
God: I promise.
So I sit here with a burden that has made me literally sick, but I have peace. I know more pain in life is on its way. I am not looking forward to it, but I have been so gently reminded that I am not alone. I do not have to equate being unsure of what is to come to being confused. I am not the writer of this story, but I know Who is. I will feel pain, but I will not be forced to succumb to it. I will never HAVE to carry a burdensome load heavier than what I am able. When things in life get to where they are bigger than me (which is a lot), then I have permission from the God of the universe to lay them at His feet and then crawl up in His lap to be comforted by His promises.
This is a weird one, but I have to tell you about how I have survived. It is not through my own merit. It is through the faithfulness of the God who knows me. It is through the wisdom of someone who sees more than I can see.
