Today is my birthday, and gosh, I just felt adored. I'm not sure I have ever felt this loved on my birthday in my entire adult life - maybe my whole life. All day people have surprised me with tokens of their appreciation for the fact that I was born into this world. Some of these tokens were actual gifts and some of them were little notes on my Facebook or just the spoken word, but they ALL made me feel loved, actually....adored.
My birthday is always weird for me because my dad died so near to my birthday, and because I spent a long time being fed the impression that I'm not really worth celebrating. So every year I try to just sort of squeeze around my birthday without being noticed, I guess, so that I don't have to deal with the issues that make me hate it so much. Three years ago, I actually allowed Facebook to post my birth date. That was a big deal. Either way, I usually ask for there to be no parties or cards or whatnot.
This year, no one listened.
This morning, I went out to my car, and there was a bag from my friend sitting on the front hood. I gasped and walked over to it. I picked it up, read the tag and started opening......standing there in my carport.....and then I started to cry. I was so moved. Then I started to see all the nice things people were posting on Facebook to wish me a happy day.
I went to cut a friend's hair today, and when I arrived, I saw that she had decorated her door with signs and balloons. Inside she had flowers and cake and coffee waiting for me.
My boyfriend sent me my birthday present a week ago. It was a bag and a card. The purse made me smile. It has his school's logo on it so I can represent every where I go. The card made me cry because this man is incredibly romantic.
Yesterday I got a handmade card from a friend. It was beautiful. Inside it said "May you have everything your heart desires". I leaked some tears over that one too. If you knew who this person was and what all was represented with those words, you would fall to pieces.
On Sunday, my daughter Natalie gave me a ring that she made out of those rubber band things and then made me a lovely card with a picture of she and I standing near my birthday cake while I blew out its candles. My son, who is 5, gave me $2.00 of his own money so that I "would have some dollars to spend".
So I'm skipping around, but when I got to work today, my friend threw here arms around my neck and squealed at her chance to tell me happy birthday and then asked me if I liked red velvet. When I got to my counter, my manager handed me a gift card from herself and another counter manager. Underneath that was a GIANT red velvet cupcake from my friend that had hugged me earlier.
Then, throughout the day, I had soooooo many people tell me happy birthday on Facebook and some in person. When people told me in person, something struck me every time. There was a something in their eyes - a softness, a tenderness, a happiness. It kept happening, so I kept thinking about it trying to figure out exactly what it was that I was seeing, and then it hit me. It was adoration.
I felt like such a jerk when that word popped into my mind, but then I forced myself to think that through. There are people that I genuinely adore. I look at them, and I just think "Gosh I am so glad they are in my life. I just don't know what I would have done if that piece of the puzzle had been missing in this picture", so what is so far fetched about someone thinking that about me? I had this realization, and then I began to cry. I am someone's "that". I am someone's puzzle piece, and by the looks of it today, I might be several people's puzzle piece.
I have tears sneaking down my cheeks right now because I remember so well what it feels like to think that you don't matter, so to realize that I just might matter to a whole bunch of people - that all of that was a lie and even that I've healed enough to realize that.......makes me feel really lucky.
If you are reading this, chances are, you have felt insignificant. You have felt like you aren't someone's puzzle piece. You're just the cellophane on the outside of the box that people throw away. You're clear, as far as you're concerned. You're not though. You're not clear. You have depth and substance in there *points to your heart. You matter. You are someone's puzzle piece, and, like I realized today, you might be a BUNCH of people's puzzle piece. You fit right in to this beautiful picture of their life, and, without you, something would be glaringly missing. In fact, if you are friends with me, I just bet you are MY puzzle piece. (So funny. I have one person on my mind right now. I wonder if they will realize who they are.) I hope beyond hope that something allows you respite from your struggles enough to see your importance. I hope you feel as adored as you are - at least for a minute. I hope you get to feel what I feel right now - grateful, humbled, loved.
So happy MY birthday to YOU. (I'm sharing it. It's my own birthday. I can do that.) Happy life to you.
No comments:
Post a Comment