The words of today's post title were spoken originally by the incomparable Audrey Hepburn. While there is indisputable truth in them, I have the suspicion that, when they were spoken originally and when they have been spoken since, the sentiment is outward. We much more freely wish happiness for others than we do for ourselves. In fact, most often, I find myself opting for things that are devoid of happiness. There have also been many times that I have felt happiness wrapping its arms around my heart that I have cast it away and chosen to cause experiences to include pain.
That's a strange thing, isn't it? - wanting for other people what you don't even want for yourself. So incomplete. So deficient.
I got married a couple days ago to the boy - that boy who loved me forever. While I have felt very sure for a long time about committing the rest of my life to live by his side, the days leading up to the actual committing were sort of a disgusting dichotomy. I knew that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, but the happiness of all of it made me so uncomfortable.
Dan and I spent time on our first date walking across the "walking bridge" in Chattanooga. This bridge used to be a passageway for trains to cross the Tennessee River's path through the town. The railroads abandoned using it a long time ago, so now it is a tourist attraction from which it's travelers can see much of the city and the river. It is such a pleasant place.
Apparently the walk Dan and I took was burned so indelibly in his brain that his plan has been for a long time that we would be there on the bridge when he asked me to marry him. So, after dinner downtown to celebrate my best friend's marriage, Dan and I began another walk across the bridge together. It was late in the evening, and the weather was chilly but not cold. The rain of the past couple of days had taken a break, and all that remained for a while was a heavy fog. The effect on the bridge was so stunning. The fog was present but light, so you could still see the outline of the city and the mountains in the distance, and every light in every place glowed. I drank in all of this as we walked. Dan stopped just short of halfway across the bridge and slid his arms around my waist and said to me, "I've been waiting a long time to do this" and then he kissed me. He had never kissed me a single time when we dated before. My suspicions that he was going to propose then laughed at me as I began to doubt them. Then he got down on one knee in the place where we began our story, and in the glowy fog and with tears in his kind eyes, asked me if I would marry him. I said yes, and then we stood and kissed and held each other so tight. Then I became aware of the fact that, for whatever reason, we had been alone on the bridge for the beginning of the next chapter of our story. Out of nowhere, groups of tourists or other people enjoying the night air resumed their traffic across the bridge. It was like time had stopped for us and then begun again.
So romantic. So picturesque. So perfect. So lovely. So happy.
So I felt very unsettled when I found myself choking on the word "fiance" when I made reference to Dan. What WAS that reticence? I have loved Dan for a long, long time, and I definitely love him fiercely now - more than I ever have. All that love has done is grow and grow and grow. I am also reminded many times a day that his love for me has done just the same thing....so why did I choke?
I decided to swallow my embarrassment and fear and bring it up with my therapist. I did a lot of talking and explaining, and then she interrupted me with a question with the force of the worst Oklahoma wind "Sarah, do you love yourself?". .....Um....we weren't talking about my love for me. I was talking about my love for Dan, and I was actually questioning its credence since I had this choking reaction when it came to verbally acknowledging my commitment. Her question was very telling, and I felt embarrassed alright. I absorbed what she was trying to communicate - that it wasn't my love for Dan that was causing any trouble at all. In fact, when I even think about Dan, my whole being smiles. My eyes crinkle even if my mouth isn't smiling, and I feel little butterflies. This is something that other people have pointed out to me, so it's very obvious that my love for Dan isn't what left something to be desired.
I reciprocated her interruption and said "NO! Heh. No I don't. I'm 33 years old and have very little to show for it. I feel like a colossal f*** up. (I'm thankful she doesn't balk when I use unsavory words, because sometimes they really do say exactly what I mean)". I spoke this sentence and she just sat there.....sort of waiting as if to say "I know there's more you have to say about that, and I'm not letting you get away with not saying it".
That was not a fun revelation. It feels very pathetic to realize that you cannot offer yourself the happiness you wish for others as if you are some kind of monster that doesn't deserve it or that you are on the other extreme - some sort of elitest martyr whose lot in life is to bear the burden of hurt because the pain makes you feel alive - like emotional and mental masochism. It feels good to hurt because it is what I know. This is the world in which I have dwelt for a portion of my life greater than any other. This was another time when many thoughts swirled around my brain in a stew of confusion.
I have spent a couple weeks thinking about this and trying to sort out all of those thoughts. I relate so many things into analogies, so I tried to find one for this need for pain. I even had to admit to myself that there have been days and days that have been absent of pain, so I have subconsciously created conflict. This has proven itself to cause problems in my relationships - not just with Dan but certainly most commonly that one. The thing to which I can liken this compulsion is being away from home. We all grow up a certain way. Even if you spend your childhood moving, there is a subculture of either your country or town or even just your family. There are things that are comfortingly familiar - even if they are deficient. A child of the country finds themselves hating the city because, though the city is bursting at the seams with resources and interest, the want the simplicity. On the flip side, a child of urbania does not find solace in the quiet of the country. Though the sirens and crashes and creaks and voices are, in fact, disruptive, they miss the noise.
I had gotten so used to the "noise".
My noise included things that weren't just innocuous movements of my other cohabitants of this world, though. My noise came from very poisonous experiences and very toxic people. Very toxic.
So why on earth would I try to recreate that in the crisp, fresh "country" air that my life gets to be right now? Why would I long for the smog?.........because it's what I know. It's all I've known for a very long time. I do not understand myself to be a citizen of this place of quietness and rest of a loving relationship. I'm used to having to claw my way just to get enough air to sustain brain activity. I just do not know what I'm doing, and I do not like the feeling of unpreparedness....at.....all.
Understanding all of this about myself was freeing, but I definitely have not been satisfied just with that. Even at a casual glance, this interpretation of the world leaves some gaping holes. This is not the life I want to live because it ends up actually punishing people that want to offer you love and need to get it from you too. This immediately means Dan....and it also means my kids. I am not satisfied with them having a broken mother. These people, however, cannot be my only motivation because that still leaves the hole of myself. I deserve enjoy love - to FEEL loved. I deserve to celebrate what God has created in me. I deserve happiness - says God. "I came that they might have life and that they may have it more abundantly". God did not intend for me to drop to my knees and scurry around scraping up scraps. No. I am to be celebrated. That is not arrogance. That is a command.
Unfortunately, I am finding as I get older that there were many inconsistencies in what was preached and taught to me by people in authority and what they required me to do. The list of these is endless. I can't count the times that a principle was communicated corporately only to have a rule be applied that contradicted the principle because of my age or financial status....or my gender.
I call bulls***. I call bulls*** on all of that. I have slowly been learning how to separate the words of selfish men (women also but mostly men) from the God of love and redemption and look to only Him and the intellect of my OWN mind for answers. Sometimes these quests have been nothing more than me coasting through life offering aloud the words "Okay God, if you're really a thing.....if you're really real, then I'm gonna need for you to prove it because I see you absolutely nowhere in what is happening in my life". Time after time, the words and teachings of these selfish humans has been quieted and the truth has been more and more loudly reinforced that I am a creation of worth and beauty deserving of happiness and fulfillment. Even if you don't ascribe to any faith at all, that principle remains. Even if I was a happenstance that occurred when sperm met egg and the cells divided resulting in a successful full term pregnancy and healthy birth, it remains. I was supposed to be. So here I am. That is important because, in order for everything to work out for me to exist, I feel that must mean that the me that exists is supposed to contribute something to this world, and it is entirely possible that I am the only person that can do it.....and I want to. I just keep getting hung up on the happiness thing.
So most recently, I have been given the assignment to pursue happiness. My understanding of that phrase was very very skewed until recently. I understood that you were supposed to sort of set things up (like a stunt) so that, when happiness hit, you were ready for it. You could enjoy it because you'd done the work to create a hospitable environment for "happiness to grow". That understanding is just really terrible. More holes in that one. A lot of them, actually. It actually removes from the equation the very word "pursue". This previous understanding actually implies that I actually just sit around waiting for it.
No. Let's pursue it. Let's engage. It is not a passive thought. It is a dynamic activity. You have to SEARCH for things that being you happiness, and, despite what I was taught for a lot of my life, I am not supposed to sit and cry and be sad that I'm a Christian and can't go do fun things that offer me a thrill. According to God, I'm supposed to chase that. God (or the universe, if you will) did not allow me to be so that I could lead a crappy life. It has taken me 33 years to realize that!
GOOD GRIEF!
So what will I do to pursue this thing of happiness? Well, for starters, when my husband (and that word is now really fun to say) does things like take out the trash or clean the kitchen without any help from me, I'm going to quiet the words of ugly men that told me that things like that were my job because I am female, and I'm going to exult in being the princess that I was created to me. When he reaches over and caresses me, I'm going to ignore the familiar absence of being touched and enjoy all my senses coming alive at being shown tenderness. When one of my children tells me a silly joke or shares with me part of their day, I'm going to cast away the remembrance that I have to be so far away from them now, and I'm going to give them my full attention and affection. And when I want to spend 2 hours manipulating wire hangers to create a decoration for our home or find some new makeup and play at changing and accentuating parts of my face, I'm going to do it - because these things bring me happiness. I'm going to breath in deep when I find the pleasant fragrance of a bloom. I'm going to bask in the sunshine when it kisses my skin. I'm going to take a compliment when it is given to me and choose to believe the deliverer that they actually mean what they've just told me.
I'm also going to actively seek things like this every day. If I haven't had a day with enough things like this is it, I'm going to FIND things. I'm going to pursue them. I'm going to chase them because that is what I'm supposed to have. That is what I deserve - a life.....and one more abundant.
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