On years...all those years

Dear Dan,

We ate at a Greek place today.  As I dangled my fork over the plate of baklava, you said "You know, with this being near an anniversary of something, it's reminding me of another time we ate Greek food", and then you smiled and waited for it to register with me.  It did.  I smiled, and then I felt the need to do the math.  "14 years!" I said, and then I sat back as it really sank in. "I've known you for 14 years."  You nodded in response.  My mind rewinded back to the first time we ate Greek.

It was our first date.

I was 20.  You were 23.  I was a young 20, and you were a 23 that had already lived a whole lifetime in some ways.  You terrified my parents, but your invitation to take me on a date was something for which I had been waiting and mentally begging you for weeks.  "This place is one of Chattanooga's only 4 star restaurants", you bragged.  You were so excited to show me the world of this amazing food, and I decided I was excited to feel like your arm candy.  I was determined that 2002 was going to look good on me, and so far, at least you had decided that I'd been successful.

The whole evening was magic.  I don't think either of us wanted it to end so I just kept thinking up places for us to go.  I think we drove back and forth across town like three times.  You never seemed to be worried about the gas we were using up or the time it was taking to drive all over town in loops.
One of our stops was the bridge.  Everyone goes to the bridge.  In fact, I saw some friends there and, in my nervousness, I actually left you to go talk to them.  One of my friends commented on your eyes.  There has always been something captivating about those eyes of yours.

That walk on the bridge ended up having an impact on you, though I wouldn't know for a decade just how much.

"I love you", I told you as I got ready to walk into my house after a date on a night several weeks later.  "I love you too....that's what makes this so hard" you said in response...though it almost seemed like you were saying it as much to yourself as to me.  Immediately my brow furrowed and my brain silently asked "Makes what so hard?...what does that mean?".  Several days later, I found out.

You dumped me.  My heart was broken, but I knew yours was too.  Our efforts at staying friends were valiant ones but who were we kidding, right?  Neither one of us could stand just being friends so I sent you a condescending email and made it all your fault.

Nothing made sense after that.  After that day there were things in my life that made me smile, but there was a lot that made me cry.  After years had passed and I'd cried enough tears that I decided I was done crying them, I thought of you...and so I found you.  I felt like I was getting a chance to come up for air when I saw you.  You were not interested.   Life was heading in a very decided direction for you and I guess mine was too so we parted ways again.

More years passed...and then came the day that my heart wanted to find you again.  Everything was all jumbled up, and a lot of everything just felt completely broken.  My head was spinning.  I was so absolutely confused, and once my spirit finally crumpled into a heap, I thought of you again. "Dan will tell me the truth...Dan will be able to see it...Dan..." You were my North, and I knew it.  I needed to reach for you again and see if you would be my North again.

You would.  Reticent at first, though you were, you very quickly embraced me with every part of who you are.  For the first time, in some ways, since the day we stood on my front stoop giving each other our last embrace, I felt safe.  I felt loved.  I felt...like things could make sense.

I'll never forget telling my sister "I'm gonna marry him".  "Oh Saruhhhhh!" she said with an exhausted growl at the end of my name.  It wasn't me staking my claim, though.  I remember being very struck at that moment at the feeling that I had just been given some sort of premonition, and I was just verbalizing what I'd seen.

Our relationship began to grow after that day.  We spent so many hours talking and learning about the new versions of each other.  11 years had gone by since we'd really explored the heart of the other...11 years.  We'd each become completely different people and yet...I immediately began to feel just like I had 11 years before - that we fit.   "We" worked.  "We" made sense...so much sense.  I felt again that sensation that I was shooting up out of the depths and being allowed to let out a huge gasp to fill my lungs with good clean air.  I felt it over and over and over and so often in those first few months.

And then more time passed.

We started hearing a lot of questions about when we were going to get married.  This annoyed me to no end.  Married on paper was something that I'd already been and not something that I felt that I really ever needed to be ever again.  I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.  I knew I was committed to you and that you were committed to me.  We had talked about this commitment and that it existed in a very real way without there having been a contract that we signed.  I felt it was very unnecessary...and yet...there was a beautiful foggy night in January.  You took my hand and walked me across the same bridge we walked across all those years before.  When you got down on your knee, I had that sensation again - that feeling of my soul being filled with the most wonderful oxygen.  You asked me if I would be your wife and I could not stop myself from saying "YES!".  I WANTED it! I wanted nothing more than to be your wife.  I had wanted it for so so long, and now it was going to be.

My fairy tale...

The real life versions of fairy tales are different from storybooks because they aren't perfect.  They include all the flaws, but they're certainly real and they are definitely beautiful.  That's what I was thinking about one year ago today.

At one time, I was the girl who decried getting married.  It was so superfluous.  We didn't need it, but one year ago today...I knew... I wanted it.  I wanted you, and you wanted me and we wanted everybody to know it.  Right in the midst of a bunch of bitterly cold days including snow 2 days after, we had an amazing spring-like day.  You left the house and as I finished getting ready, I shook away tears that came every time I thought about...time.  I had spent so much time apart from you since the time we'd first fallen in love, and now I'd get to be with you forever.  On that day I do recall telling you "until the last breath in my lungs and until the last beat of my heart...I am yours".

I didn't know on that day what the upcoming year would be like.  I had no idea.  Neither of us could have predicted the crazy ride encompassed in the past 365 days.  I mean....WE HAD A BABY!!!!  There have been days of lots of laughing but there have been a lot of days of hurting - physical and otherwise.  So many confusing days.  We have asked so many questions of life and of God.  We still don't have answers to many of them, but we have this.

We have love.

We have each other.

We have our fairy tale.

So I promise to you again this thing, Dan...my love...

Until the last breath in my lungs and until the last beat of my heart, I am yours.

Happy anniversary.