Seventy times seven. That is how many times we are to forgive someone. I have always thought that meant 490 different offenses of different kinds or even 490 incidences of the same offense, but today I see it very differently.
He wasn't commanding us to keep a tally. This wasn't for the sake of myriad different things or innumerable occurrences of it. It was for one offense. Forgive them for that one incident of the one offense 490+ times? Why would there ever be a necessity for something like that? But the longer I spend on this big green ball (the part where I stand is green - I don't live in the blue), the more I learn that forgiving isn't an event.
It is a practice. It is a process. That is why a person would need to offer forgiveness almost 500 times for one thing happening once.
But rarely, when people are close, does there ever only be one offense one time. And we know with you and I that there was so much more than that. There was so much more.
Really, it's pretty true that no one will really know what it was like when it was just me and you together. No amount of effort in description will ever be the same as actually having been there. That's just something that me and you and God know, but we do know. We know so well, and I don't think we will ever forget it.
There are some things I can know because I have lived it. No ones interpretation or evaluation or opinion can ever change what I know I lived with me and you - the relationship that was just us. There is nothing that can change it from being true forever, and there is nothing that can change that it happened. Because that is just how truth goes.
I have grappled with the things I know - the things I lived that I know are true and real. I need you to know that God has healed me so much. God has helped me sort out so much of it, and He doesn't look like He has any interest in cutting that healing short any time soon.
God and I have walked back down almost every single step of the road of the journey that you and I shared during the time we told everyone we were friends. We have walked through the valley of the shadow of death. He has held my hand as I choked on my own tears remembering how bad I hurt down to the depths of every part of who I am.
He is still helping me figure out just where to put each little moment, and I need you to know that He is making it into something beautiful. I need you to know that you didn't ruin anything. There were moments that sure looked like ruining me was something you wanted very much. You made every exhibition that would lead anyone to believe that that is what you wanted. I need you to know that God kept that from happening, and He is slowly but surely taking every moment of hurt that you intentionally caused, and He is making it into something so wonderful that now, I just keep pinching myself that this is the life I get to have.
There are some things I don't know, and honestly, that has always been the hardest part. Why? Why did you do all these things to me? What did I ever do to make you want to hurt me so deeply and to make an effort to make the mark as permanently as you could? Why did you choose to do all of this when we told everyone that we were the kind of friends that were best. You were my favorite friend in the whole world, and you told everyone I was yours. Why would you want to hurt me and to do it continually?
It has been very confusing to live this. It has been very confusing and very painful to live this and to have these questions, but I need you to know that today, God gave me my answer to all of them - the question impregnating every moment of these hurts.
The answer is this: it doesn't matter. Will you read that again? It doesn't matter to me anymore. Today, I fully forgive you. And this has been a process because this is most assuredly not the first time that my heart took the broken pieces of you and me to God and asked Him to sort it all out and to just hand all of this to Him. I need you to know that too, okay? I need you to know that I have already forgiven you 490 times for each singular incident. My heart has already offered this to you, and God has just done miraculous things in my heart to help me go deeper and deeper into my soul to some of those moments that hurt the most or the ones that are the freshest.
I need you to know that you have been having forgiveness for a long time, and my prayer is that this fact offers you some kind of relief. I don't know all the why's, but I know that people don't do those things unless they're hurting really badly. We do things when we're hurting, and God told me that I am to forgive you. And I have.
But today it goes a little deeper and will last a little longer. Today, this forgiveness is more permanent that all the others before today.
This one sets us free. This is the one where I totally stop trying to find answers to questions I can't ask you. This is the one where I lay all that pain to final rest and I go to the God of heaven and again ask that He bless your life and show you Himself in a way that will heal you too. Because I want that for you. I have always wanted that for you. So many tears and so many nights of remembering what it was like to be close just wishing you could get a glimpse of what the world looks like outside of all the hurt. I want that for you.
Some day, you will cross my mind, and I will realize you haven't come and gone in a very long time. That day looks like its soon, honestly. The space between when we were friends and the page of this calendar is a pretty wide expanse, and, like I said, God has helped me do all this healing and has given me a life without you in it.
That's why I'm writing you this letter. I don't know where in the world you are exactly at this moment. I don't know that you will ever even see this, but in the off chance you do, this is just something that I wanted you to know and this was the only way I could offer it to you.
Thank you. Thank you for all the happy moments we shared during our friendship. Thank you for all the good things. I WILL always hold those in my arms really tight. But I need you to know - about all the bad...I forgive you, okay?
I do.
May this letter find you well. May you be living prosperity and abundance and a happiness that is the envy of all who know you. May you see God in a way that makes heaven feel closer than earth could ever feel, and may you live long days surrounded by the ones you love.
And may you always know this:
I forgive you...seventy times seven
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