"Let It Go"

I remember the movie "Frozen" coming out. I had friends go to see it in the theater and raving about what a great "sister movie" it was. It was Disney. It was hype. We all love Disney movies! Disney knows how to make a movie, but gosh, I've done Disney. It was just another Disney movie, right?

Well then I watched it with my kids.....and the song "Let it go" played. I felt waaaaaay embarrassed for choking up while it played. I identified with it so much. I felt so silly for being so deeply moved by the words, but I cannot help myself.

I am listening to it right now and tearing up.....like a lot. In fact, I've listened to it like 8 times today, and our neighbors are probably TIRED of my vocal rendition.

So I could go into a cheesy diatribe of the parallels that exist between Elsa and myself.....okay, forget it. That's exactly what I'm going to do.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I spent my young years caring for my younger siblings. I felt an incredible weight to be the example that they needed and to meet absolutely every expectation that my parents held for me. My failures were crushing to me absolutely every time I experienced one. I was sure that the scope of my shortcomings was very far reaching - that my little brother and sister were going to fall short in life because of my poor example or worse.....that I would break my parents' hearts and make them feel like they had wasted the work of their hearts and souls in raising me.

I carried this weight on into adulthood. I felt like walking a very tightly drawn line was exactly what it took to please everyone and show them my appreciation for who they were. I did this in every area of my life. I tried so hard to be.......that perfect girl....the one that everyone could look up to.

The sad part is that I was largely successful. I kept a smile on my face while I watched my brother and sister while everyone else was out pursuing "selfish" degrees that only promoted their personal dreams (such a warped perspective, huh). I helped around the house. I even helped pay a few things when it got tight for my parents. I never gave them reason to worry about anything that I was doing. I adopted every perspective they had for my life - even when that wasn't a requirement of theirs.  I made it to my wedding day only mildly touched by sexual indiscretion. I married the son of our pastor - the American hero - pro baseball player turned Marine. We made a very quintessential looking church going American couple who then gave birth to a very perfect little baby. I did crafts. I cooked things. I headed up ministries at our church, and, if there was a vacant spot in the song service, the powers that be knew that I could belt out whatever they asked. Things were.....perfect.....until they weren't.

I had created a pedestal for myself built from the stuff of arrogance. I was so afraid of making a mistake that would hurt someone and so completely sure that my life of good behavior was going to exempt me from damage that I stuffed myself into the box of what other people expected. Then life happened. I have a lot of anger for mistreatment that I received from MULTIPLE people, but I have learned (or I'm learning) to be thankful for that. When you are mistreated, it bothers you because you reach the realization that you are now living in a box.....but not a box of YOUR design. It is one fashioned by someone else. Someone who does not dwell in the depths of your soul. Someone on the outside. When the realization struck me that I was trapped, I still had left enough righteous indignation that I broke out.

Let me tell you. The breaking out is not easy. Think about a literal breaking out of a box. You will get scraped up. You will get bruised. You may even......break....but you're gonna get out of that box because you know that you should not be there. The intent of the one or ones who put you in that box is not to watch you grow - it's to keep you from growing. The really humbling thing is when you learn that you were the one who handed these powers the hammer and nails and planks of wood....and that you even drove a few nails all on your own.

Since I first broke out of my "box", I have felt more weights at certain points - limits. I discovered that, though I had broken open the confines that had existed, I was still carrying around the pieces completely by my own choice. I would have moments where I would feel really strong and set these pieces down so I could flex the bulging muscles of my spirit to anyone that would look, but as soon as I was done, I would pick some of those pieces right back up again and lug them with me through the journey of my human life.

It is only very, very recently that I have decided that my arms are too tired for that. They are strong now, and to carry these pieces around with my any longer - to choose to bear the weight of other people's expectations - is.....a....waste.

I guess right now I don't yet feel like I'm walking in my journey. I sort of feel like I'm sitting down on a comfortable bench. I have set most of these figurative planks down at my side, and I'm kind of just holding a few nails these days. What am I going to do with those nails now? I'm going to build something new, but this time it's not going to be a box, and it's also not going to be a pedestal. Neither one of those worked for me. I'm going to build something else.....something that comes from the inside of me.

That may sound even more arrogant than my initial thoughts of building my past fixtures, but no. It's not. I was created to be THIS girl.....with no limits. I have been given life and breath to live a life of abundance and opportunities, and I have been given examples of love so I would have the right fuel. I have been given dreams of my very own in this brain and this soul.

It can be very cold in the world of pursuing what  the true design of your life actually has for you. You end up pushing very far away the erectors of the box you used to occupy or of the pedestal atop which you sat. People judge you for making your own choices....every day, but let me tell you this if you ever thought of me as a "strong" person. I have learned how to travel my own path and ask for direction from those that truly care for my soul. I have learned how much I can take. I have learned how to battle through insurmountable things. I have learned how to stay alive in the "cold" of this world, and I have learned......

.....the cold never bothered me anyway.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0MK7qz13bU