On reinventing

I have started writing this post 4 times. This is time number 5. This is one of those days when I'm not sure exactly where to begin or about what thing I would like to write. I'm just at a loss. I have a lot of questions for people, and I'm not sure how to ask them. "Why did you do this?" "What did you want to tell me?" "Did I hurt you?" "Are you mad at me?" "Why does it seem like you erased me?" "Why does it seem like you are protecting yourself from me?" Some of these questions are valid and some of them hold emotions that I have projected onto the person or persons to whom I am asking these silent questions, but I'm not sure which questions fall into which category. It is, at best, confusing. It is, at worst, terrifying. I am terrified.

I once had a very critical heart ask me with a sneer on the lips "What do you WANT from life, SARAH?! I mean, what do you want to DO?!" I am not sure the sort of answer for which the inquirer was looking, but the question sort of blind sided me. Was this heart asking me what my career aspirations were as I sat there rocking my infant son to sleep? Was it asking me what sort of name I wanted to make for myself? Was it asking me what changes I felt needed to be made in my person? These questions fired through my brain in a moment's time, and I didn't really have a way to answer them so I just gave the only answer I had. "I just want to love as many people as possible, and I want to share the love of God with as many people as I possibly can." I looked back at the questioning heart and waited for some sort of response. There was nothing. Instantly it became like the conversation had never occurred, but that was my most honest answer. That is really all I want out of life. 

So why would the questions in the opening paragraph invoke terror in me? Because every possible answer to each and every one of them has to mean that someone did not feel loved or did not, for whatever reason, return the love that I offered. Both of those are heartbreaking to me. What if my actions or the circumstances of my life leave someone or several someones with the question of whether or not I actually love them? How can I repair that? How hard should I work to do that? Do I ask that they meet me in the middle or do I go all the way to where they are? This is dependent on whether or not each person in question is a healthy part of my life or a toxic part of my life. The lines for those classifications are very, very blurry. They're more like an area of a really attractive shade of grey. I want to venture over to the grey to see beauty of the haze. Fogginess can bring out such beauty in some things. What if the beauty of restoration is just inside the fog? Why can't I just wander around in there for a bit and enjoy the glow of mist laden light?......because while this grey can offer some beauty in some cases, in others, it can be an indicator that a very dangerous dark is waiting for me just on the other side. In fact, a person can get lost in grey and find themselves much closer to the darkness than what they ever would have chosen in their right mind when they were still in the light.  There could be, for all I can see at this moment, a really vicious trap laid by someone who does not care for my soul. 

At this point, because my heart is still in such tumult, I am not a good judge of character. I think this has been the case for a long, long time with only short breaks of times of wisdom. This.....is why I am terrified. I have had people offer me what seemed like beautiful, selfless gifts only to realize that said gifts were fashioned with artfully attached Pinnochio-like strings. There have also been other people who gave gifts for which they never even asked to be thanked or repaid. While I have always TRIED to show gratitude for these, I'm sure I fell short mostly because I was so overcome with the love that I felt I had received that I never found a way worthy of showing what I truly felt. 

The hard parts of this thing are these. Someone offering a gift most often refuses to believe that they are doing it for any other reason except the honest benevolence of their heart. They would never be willing to admit that they gave someone something with an agenda in mind. It is also very hard for me to differentiate between these hearts and the ones that have had love erupt in their souls and just want to let it spill over to me. 

My first instinct in life is to offer love and the investment of my love to nearly everyone with whom I spend any length of time. If I receive what looks to me like love, I tend to throw myself into reciprocating that. This has not served me very well. There are people that I assumed would be in my life forever who have chosen to make their exit. This.....hurts. There are also people that I never expected to be a part of my life for the length of time that they have or to offer me completely unconditional love in the way that they have. This dichotomy is so frustrating.

I am living in a new place around new people until May. What investments do I make in that time? When we move back to Florida in May, I will not be able to deny that the invention of the life I created prior to nearly 4 weeks ago will not exist any longer. What do I do then?

Who am I today? Who should I be tomorrow? What am I supposed to be "when I grow up"? Don't think that the ultimate sources of these answers is lost on me. It's not the knowing of the answers or even the knowing where to find the answers that's the hard part. It's the getting to the sources that is the very hardest part. That is the part that has tripped up humanity since it began. While I wait for my next epiphany, I will rest. I will look at the afore mentioned "nails" in my hand and dream about what I would like to build. I will also choose to continue to love. It is hard right now. It is scary, but I will still do everything I can in this finite being of mine to offer to every person unconditional, judgement free love. As time passes, my ways of growing and giving to others will change, but for now, this is all I've got so that is what I will give.