Today I found myself in a terrible mood. I have felt it all day, and I just didn't know why. I wrestled with it covering a bunch of bases by asking myself questions like "Am I hungry?", "Am I mad about something?" or "Did I just not sleep well?". The answers to those questions did not seem to provide any relief for my funk. It was just there. It's been there for a couple days, I think, and as soon as I let myself be still enough for my heart to speak, I heard the answer......I am sad.
I have tried to not be sad because there are so many people doing such wonderful things for me - the primary being Dan. He is so endlessly loving to me that it makes me feel embarrassed sometimes. It is humbling to have someone be so sacrificial with every part of who they are. I have had people from different points of my life offer me amazing encouragement lately. I am healthy. I have the opportunity for the first time in my entire life to sort through all the crap that has happened with someone who went to school to learn how to help people navigate the confusing waters of life. I have a lot to be thankful for, so I felt bad for being sad as if my sadness would imply an ingratitude for the beauty that I have in my life. When my sadness peaked out of my arsenal of emotions, I did as I have done so many times before in my life - I covered it so I couldn't see it. It did not go away, though, because the truth of how we feel never does. Emotions are healthy and part of our humanity. We are entitled, nay, required to have them. I have come to grips with this entitlement this week, so at this point in my evening, I will no longer refuse to acknowledge that I am sad.
I am sad because my 6 year old son got sick in the bathroom at school yesterday and didn't feel the need or permission to tell his teacher. She found out another way. Then he went home to NOT his momma snuggling him in my arms and making him comfortable. I don't know who did that for him or if anyone did, but it wasn't me. It doesn't get to be me right now, and that makes me so sad. It also makes me sad that he might already be very used to the fact that his mommy doesn't do those kind of things so he doesn't miss it.
I have had some really tough conversations this week that, while they were extremely productive, were still so difficult. The need for them is rooted in a lot of sadness. Talking through those things made me sad because I am still feeling the sadness from the original source. Sadness on top of sadness.
In working with a therapist, I have been given homework. I did the homework. It was heart wrenchingly painful to me. So painful. I do not have human words (at least in this language) to articulate the depth of pain that I felt as I relived some of the most painful times in my life knowing full well that, while I was addressing some of them, they were just that - only some. I was instructed to go way far back in my life and live there for long enough to allow the pained person of that moment to speak. She still hurts so bad. I gave her tools to sort out the pain, but just because you can sort pain out does not mean that it goes away. Sometimes, after the anger is gone, after the confusion is gone, after the logic sets in, the sadness stays. It is a weird things when you reach the point of letting your heart break.....for yourself. Not in a self-pitying, perpetual victim kind of way. The kind of heart break that acknowledges the things that you KNOW you felt all along but, for whatever reason, did not feel permission to express the way you needed to. That you were left with damage, in this case, as a very young person. It all makes for some sadness.
I am lonely. I am such a social person by nature. I thrive around people. Cohabitating with someone who likes low to no lighting in a room and does not need interaction with people and who has hours and hours worth of end of semester grading to complete can leave an extrovert feeling a little lost. I even went out to lunch with someone this week - I should feel glad for new friends, right? Yes, and I am. There are just some of my old ones that I miss so desperately. There is something so wonderful to sit with someone or go somewhere with someone and snort-laugh over things drawn from your shared history. I miss those people.
I keep hearing about negative things happening to people for whom I care really deeply. I feel so helpless, and my empathetic nature bursts to the front of my brain and heart ready to love away all the hurts that people are experiencing. I am learning though, that I don't actually have the magic ability to erase people's hurts - just like nobody had the ability to erase mine.
I am still struggling with the fact that my weird recent life events have caused a lot of questions and undoubtedly a lot of hurts that I have no way to address. This makes me really sad too.
I don't know what I'm going to do with all of these things, but I know this much already. I am allowed to be sad. It doesn't mean that I'm dysfunctional or living in the past or being anxious about the future. It doesn't mean I'm being ungrateful or choosing to look past the blessings that I have in my life. It just means I'm sad.
I love you all. The only people who read this blog are most likely friends of mine. You are in my life because we chose each other. This journey of life is so crazy and weird. I love the thought that we're in it together.
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