If you are the girl

Yesterday I made a request on Facebook for suggestions for posts. My journey has been quite a battle for me, and sometimes I worry that my posts will seem redundant since I have to address my personal issues constantly. I want this to be a place of comfort and resource. That is a lofty goal, but that's what I want. I don't want it to be me just sharing the minutia of my struggles, so I asked my friends.

The request came from a friend that I have known for just shy of 20 years in regard to a friend of hers that is going through some similar struggles. I don't know the name of the friend of a friend. I don't know any of the specifics of her life except for the fact that she, like I, has to be away from her babies right now. Our mutual friend wanted to know how to ACTUALLY offer comfort to her, so she graciously enlisted my help. So here goes:

Hey you girl. I don't know your name, but this is for you. This is to provide you with a chance to rest your mind and heart and know that people love you. I don't even know you, but my heart is giving love to you. I want to address some things with you while you are experiencing the pain of not seeing your babies. I'm going to give you a list, so take what you like and throw out the rest, but know that you're obviously loved far and wide!

1. Remember what is true. When you are going through something that seems like life has ripped away from you everything that is important, you question what you could have done to change things. You question who you are as a person. You question your worth. You question what is wrong with you. Everything. You question everything. Do NOT stop asking those questions. Just be very careful about the people or sources from whom you seek answers. Make sure these are sources that guard you heart as ferociously as they guard their own. It might only be a handful of people. That's okay. Wars have been won and groundbreaking discoveries have been made with the minds of just a handful of people. If you've got at least one other heart bolstering you up, you've got plenty.

2. You're still breathing, so you have not been defeated. I know the road seems endlessly long at this point, and your energy may be gone. You may feel like your reserve is gone and the enemy has won. Nope. You're still breathing. You had at least enough fight in you to wake up this morning even if you didn't get out of bed. Embrace that. An acorn that has been smashed into the ground and is tread upon by those who forgot its existence still becomes the mighty oak. Don't lose heart in the fact that you're still the acorn.

3. GO TO THERAPY!!!! I know it's expensive, but if your appendix had ruptured, would you refuse to go the doctor because of the expense or would you say "I am not a physician with nearly a decade worth of training. I do not specialize in how to treat an internal organ. I've got to seek out someone who does." You would do the latter. In fact, you would probably travel very, very quickly to find someone who meets those qualifications. Understand this. Your emotional and mental appendix has ruptured. Every day that you let pass without the direction of someone who ALSO spent time in rigorous training, you allow your spirit to become as septic as a ruptured organ. No one expects the appendicitis patient to treat themselves. No one expects you to do that for yourself either. If the money is the issue, swallow your pride and start to seek out the friends that you know are true, and ask them for help. If you can find 4 friends who will sponsor one appointment a month, you're covered, and you're not gouging anyone for their resources.

4. Be sad. Emotions are real things. It's unfortunate to me that most people absorb the misconception that it is inappropriate to share the burdens of our hearts, but that is what most often happens. So not only do we bear our burdens alone, we also beat ourselves up when we experience painful emotions. Okay that is weird! To once again compare things to physical injuries, if someone reveals a physical wound, they can tell you that a very common question is "Does that HURT?". People expect that physical wounds hurt. Well guess what, sugar butt. People expect your emotional wounds to hurt too. No one thinks ill of you for being in pain for the tragedy you're experiencing, so if you feel sad, be sad. You're not crazy.

Also:
5. Feeling pain or being overwhelmed by your pain does not make you weak. This does not indicate that you are unable or illequipped to fight more battles. I was talking with a friend last night who is in pain, and they said to me (about feeling so much pain) "I hate it. I thought I was stronger." I reminded this friend that the inability to feel pain is not an indicator of strength. It is a very STRONG indicator that someone is actually.....dead. Don't let that pain make you feel like you're weak. Let it remind you that you are ALIVE!!!! Because, my love, as deeply as you're feeling this pain, there will come a day (maybe just one at a time) that you will feel happiness in an even greater way! I PROMISE that!

6. Know that this will NOT last forever. Be careful about living life to get specific results because you will often be disappointed, but do not stop dreaming. Many times I have had to remind myself that I could NOT change circumstances, and I could NOT change someone else's behavior. I COULD, however, do everything within my power to show love to my children. I have not been able to be around them for months now, but that has not stopped me from finding ways to show them love. Phone calls, boxes for their birthdays, prayers for them, unconditional love even when they're naughty. These things I can control, and when your heart is to just show love, it translates...every....single.....time. Love goes a long long way, and it lasts way longer than vengeance. The day will come when life settles down. If you show that as strongly and truly as you can, you may not get results as quickly as you would like, but they absolutely will come, and they will be solid. Love speaks so terribly loudly to your babies. Speak it, and they will hear it. That is another thing I can promise with confidence. If the other parent also offers them true love, then your kids are going to get it from both sides. If that prospect is doubtful, then they'll get it from you, and you are giving them a place of safety. You will be giving them advantage greater than a lot of kids that are even in two parent homes.

7. Don't forget to breathe. When life gets to be too much, just start there. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Seriously, when we're upset, that's one of the first things affected. So breathe. Once you've got control over your breathing, THEN work on standing. Once standing makes sense, take ONE step. Just one. When that feels comfortable, take another one. After a few steps, you'll be able to look back and see how far you've gone. Use this literally (because some days, that's what it takes) and figuratively.

8. Live in their world. I was not from a broken home. My parents married each other when they were 19, and their devotion to each other was palpable. Their marriage ended when my dad died after 27 years of marriage to each other. When I found myself forced to give my children a life history of being from a "broken home", I felt lost. So I started asking a lot of questions. I had no idea how to meet the needs of kids in that situation, so if I found out that someone I knew (adults) has been through the divorce of their parents, I asked them about what they wish had gone differently or what they wished they would have heard or gotten through the process of growing up outside of conventional family structure. Do this. Grown ups that are past the initial experience would love nothing more than to offer help to someone that represents the younger "them".

I also try to remember that this was not their choice. My 3 little people did not ask to be born. Their dad and I made that decision. They also did not ask to have parents whose relationship was dysfunctional, and they absolutely did not ask for their home to be broken. Those were decisions made by adults whose divine obligation is to offer them the very things that were taken away. These kids DESERVED a whole, stable, conflict free home, and that's not what they got. There were a LOT of uncontrollables for me surrounding the circumstances of the demise of quintessential, healthy family life, but they were still robbed. The credit for that robbery is actually unimportant to me now, because, after I have spent the past 2 years of my life doing things this way, I see way more advantages, and I am so glad I was given enough insight from grown children of divorce before mine actually occurred to at least start out right.

9. Capitalize, capitalize, capitalize. You have been robbed too, and that is unavoidably obvious, but life did not stop. There is still beauty that you can find in each day. That has been my hardest task but the most rewarding. You're not with your kids, and you have nothing to do? Find yourself again. Find that girl who had hobbies that made her happy. She's in there. Go find her. Go take a walk and breathe in really deep. Find a place that needs nurturers. The moment your children begin to grow in your belly (or at some point thereafter) the instinct to nurture sprouts and does nothing but grow with time. If  you do not have the ability to nurture, something feels very off. Find somewhere to nurture. Go hold babies at the hospital (yes this is still a need). Go volunteer at an animal shelter. Hold all the little babies and comfort the elderly animals that just want to nuzzle someone. Nurture someone or something. You're still able.

10. Do not let anyone place limits on you. You are not defined by your circumstances. You are nothing at this point but burgeoning potential. If someone tells you no when you want the answer to be yes for a dream of your heart, ignore them until you find someone who will believe in you. That person is out there.

Dear love, may these words help you in your journey. May your tears not feel wasted, and may your heart not cease to burst with growth....one step at a time.

Dear mutual friend of ours, ask questions. Be assertive with your comfort. The heart in need will not even begin to know how to ask for help. Make sure her basics are covered, and then don't feel like it's taboo to ask questions about the more complex things. Your heart to love is more comfort than you will ever know. It is a shred of hope in what feels like a hopeless place.

I love you both.