On being told no

There are many things in life that humans almost universally try to avoid. One of those things is being told "no". We have all witnessed very small children absolutely fall to pieces when those two letters are uttered together and in that sequence.

 As we get older, the being told no can get harder. Your understanding of the world deepens and you develop the enablement to make decisions for your own life, it gets harder to hear the word "no". It's not the procurement of toys or cookies that hangs in the balance of the type of answer we receive. It's bigger things. It's our dreams. It's our goals. It's the payoff for a bunch of work that we did. It may even be our welfare or the welfare of others. Hearing "no" can feel like the ultimate destruction of things that are genuinely important - not just important "to us" but actually important. But sometimes in life, you still get told that word at times when you NEED to be told yes.

So then what do you do? What do you do with the pieces that are left after you have been told no?

There have been so many things for which I have prayed to people and to God during the coarse of my life for which I have received a negative answer when I wanted and felt like I needed a positive one. There have been situations to which being given a negative answer invoked absolute horror in me. I felt completely stripped down and then beaten by the realization that my ultimate fear had become reality. My head spun, and my heart broke. Over and over this has happened. I spent many moments being very frustrated and resentful....

But then light would shine through.

As more and more of this began to happen, I started to notice patterns. I learned some things.

The first thing I learned is that you canNOT change other people. You are never responsible for another person's behavior (unless that person is your small child and even then there's only so much you can do). If you assign yourself the responsibility of absorbing the consequences of someone else's behavior, you're going to end up very limited and very frustrated. You also do not have the ability to change someone else's heart or mind. You can do your best to present facts to them so that they are informed, but the final decision for what they are going to do is totally their's. There are even certain folks that, the harder you try, the farther from your objective they're going to go. They're actually going to do the opposite of what you ask or say just out of spite, so it's best to abandon that effort altogether.

I also learned that there are circumstances that are out of your control....and you have to be okay with that. In lieu of my point above, once another brain outside of your head makes a decision, there will be events that follows, boundaries that exist that didn't before, consequences and limitations....that you cannot change. They're set in stone unless or until someone somewhere changes their mind. When this occurs, you have to be okay with it. Worrying is futile. It will do nothing but make YOU sick. The other person or people or the abstract idea of the situation that exists is not going to be affected by the amount of worry you devote to circumstances that you do not like.

Also happiness. You've got to find it. You're entitled to it. You can go to any war torn country or empoverished society, and you will always find this: there will always be at least one child with a smile on their tiny face, and they will have found something to play with. They do not go for lengths of time without inventing ways to enjoy themselves. Adults only do that. We are the ones that, despite our inability to force everything to go our way, spend energy trying to do just that. Go find a toy. Go find a smile. If you do not find any happiness, then you are CHOOSING sadness. Maybe ask yourself why because you can't tell me that a little pumpkin with flys crawling on his eyes and dirt covering his blistered feet should wipe the smile off his face. He found happiness because he looked for it. He put in the effort because that robbery for his entitlement to it has not yet occurred. Go back to that. Look as aggressively for it as that little guy.

Remember the "long game". These words were used with me the other day by a grown child of divorce in regards to how I relate to my children. He was encouraging me on how to love them and what strategies to use. It was very good advice on keeping things in perspective. It makes me think of when I had my babies. I will never forget the first push. It felt SOOOO difficult! I would always be so worn out from at least 12 hours of painful contractions that the notion that I was going to have to muster strength to push this baby out seemed ludicrous....but every time I would just think "But I HAVE to! I'M the only person on planet earth that can push THIS baby out of THIS body.....cause it's MY BODY!" so I would take a breath and bear down and push and push as many times as it took to give them their first breath of air. Long game - I had to get those babies out. Long game - life can be very, unbearably painful, but you are the only person who can live your life. There are goals that only you can bring into the world. You have GOT to push past the pain so you can accomplish those things. No one else in the world has YOUR life - just you. Push past the crazy. Give birth to everything that your life is supposed to represent.

Another huge lesson I've learned in "hearing" "no" (I used all those quotes on purpose....wait for it) is because sometimes when we "hear" "no", someone or something else is actually "saying" "wait" or "not yet". Don't assign a hard "no" when that's not what has been offered to you. If there is something that is terribly important to you, do not be dissuaded by obstacles or struggles. Keep working towards your goal. If the desire is still burning in your belly to accomplish something or become something, do not stop until you've achieved it.

The last one is this: Don't.....get....bitter. Bitterness is the daughter of worry, so watch out for both of those. Unproductive worry leaves you frustrated, and staying frustrated with something you cannot change will make you bitter. Bitterness is a terrible thief. It does not a single thing but steal from you. Find a way to take your hands and your heart away from things you cannot control, and don't you let that weed take root. You prevent this by being honest with yourself. Arrogance has no place in struggles in life. If your attitude is wrong or your efforts to change things outside your control futile, admit that and move on.

These are hard things to implement, but they are necessary. Take them for what they are - the ramblings of a girl just barely in my 30's, but trust me. They are usable. They are true. They work.